Probably….but at what cost?
The mental load is real for any parent, especially working mothers trying to hold down a career, build an identity of their own away from the titles of mother and wife, trying to be good role models for our daughters, showing them that they can be strong independent women!
My husband and I have always played tradition roles, that being husband is the breadwinner and wife is the part time income earner, plus main child carer. I was lucky as being a teacher allowed me to be with my children when they were not at school and this was important to both myself and my husband. A few years ago we decided I would try to progress my career now both of the kids were in high school and my husband took more of an active role with the kids. I had some great opportunities presented to me and I was well on my way to being the Deputy I always thought I wanted to be.
Throw a child with ASD in the mix and after a few years….BAM! My cup was overflowing and the fun had gone out of life. The additional mental load of trying to do it all and work hard to progress my career had me so wired I was exhausted, yet couldn’t sleep and became a robot just managing life being the ‘lawn mower’ parent I was once described as….side note a lawnmower parent is one that clears the way to avoid hurdles, disappointment, discomfort, adversity for the child…. Yes I absolutely own this title as Zac often needed me to do this especially when the kids were little to avoid a meltdown, I was trying to avoid his meltdown triggers when we were out and about to make life just a little easier for myself, my family and whoever I was out with. For what it’s worth I always did and still do choose my battles, I constantly push Zac out of his comfort zone to grow and build resilience but when both he and I have the energy to do so and are mentally in good places.
The thing is, I didn’t actually know how exhausted I was or that actually I didn’t really want to progress my career, I just wanted to know I ‘could’ achieve this if I wanted too, until I needed to resign. I resigned to due to a promotion my husband received and my career once again took a back seat. Nine months on I now realise, how exhausted I was and that regardless of where I was in my career, my heart and head is always with my kids. I was at work trying to focus on work things and progress my career, yet would jump every time I receive a text from one of the kids, I was planning my whole day around making sure I could leave on time so I could pick them up on time, to avoid Zac being late to work, before leaving for work I had dinner planned, washing set in the machine to ensure required uniforms were clean and ready to go, unlike my husband I couldn’t compartmentalise work and family, it was one big blur and it was exhausting with a capital E!
Most importantly, I also realised that I needed time to heal. Heal from a traumatic 10 years of raising a child with ASD and all of the complexities around that. Heal from watching both my husband and child have mental breakdowns in the space of two years - although I’m not sure I will actually completely recover from this. I am blessed to have time to heal without the ‘busy’ my life once was….I’ve also created a less busy life for myself and now love my own company (perhaps an age thing - older and wiser as they say).
Space to realise my passion and to be creative in the area of Autism Awareness. I am very excited to be able to pursue some exciting projects and get people talking about Autism in a positive light, spread the word about what it has been like for me having a child with Autism so other parents of ASD children don’t feel so alone, spreading the word so there is less judgement when we are ‘lawn mower’ parents. Like all parents sometimes we need to give ourselves a break and make life just that bit easier so we can actually breathe, and maybe, just maybe add the fun and passion back into our lives and create those happy memories we all crave to create.
